Here’s where you lose all respect for me.

… Or perhaps gain all respect. I dunno.

So, yes. I mentioned I was going to bring up just how off beat it gets when I’m around. Well, you want to know? You really wanna know? No, you don’t want to know. … Seriously? Fine. I’ll tell you.

But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

First, I suppose I need to talk about maids. You know, maids? Yes, maids. Probably due to too much anime, colliding with my sometimes dark tastes, which somehow granted me an appreciation of EGL. Either way, I love maids.

I also love Dungeons & Dragons. You probably already see where this is going.

Yes, sometimes, maids figure in. The first time it happened was when I ran into a group of D&D players some five years ago. This was one of those sessions that only lasted one week, but what a week it was. I got to try out the Binder from Tome of Magic (Ah, 3e, I will miss you), and it went well. Even got a ride home. During which time, I proposed several characters I wished to play. Among them, Ryuugu Rena as a Ghost Faced Killer (Actual Prestige class from Complete Adventurer!), and a… Catgirl maid.

Let me tell you, the confused responses were satisfying enough, but then came the shrieks of abject horror. On the one hand, I did feel bad that this group didn’t meet up again where I could join them. On the other, it’s not like there was much more I could accomplish with them, if that’s all it took to get them to scream. And I wasn’t even the Dungeon Master!

… I would later find out that there are people who are deathly afraid of maids. And while there are certain specimens who probably justify this fear, generally, this one leaves me scratching my head in confusion…

(And yes, the girl in the above link is another proposed character. I was planning on running her as a Rogue in 4e. But as the game she was going to be in never got off the ground- a recurring problem with the environment I was in until recently- She never materialized either.)

The search continued, and while my love of maids continued unabated, without a game to play, there came no maid characters.

Then came Gel making a discovery, as is too often the case. See, there’s this game called Queen’s Blade. (Warning: Mildly NSFW) I’ll probably do a full write up sometime in the future. We both knew about this game, but had no reason to care. Then Gel found the weirdest thing: Melona, a shape-shifting girl made out of pink slime, who normally looks like a bunny girl (on LSD). Gel alleges that he’d once commissioned a drawing of almost that exact same concept. It’s Gel, so I don’t doubt him (what would be the point?).

At any rate, one thing lead to another, and this caused me to discover Airi. (Warning: Probably NSFW) Yes, that is what you think it is: A girl, wearing a maid outfit, wielding a scythe. Apparently based on the “Wraith With Scythe” from Lost Worlds, Airi continued the fine tradition of Queen’s Blade, of taking the boring and uninspired Lost Worlds characters (Apologies to Flying Buffalo, I still love you guys!) and turning them into sexy women, as this is what Japan does.

So yes. I am somewhat obsessed with Airi now. I say “somewhat,” as the figures are still too rich for my blood, but I do own her book… Along with like ten others… And every so often, I become tempted to get the P-4 figure, the one with removable clothing. … Yes, this exists. It comes from Japan. All strange things come from Japan.

Going back over a year now, WAY back when my 4e group was still in Thunderspire Labyrinth, they were fighting some wights, a form of undead that drains your life away. Burns, who was running a Cleric at the time, did a turning attempt that destroyed several of them. When I stated they exploded into ashes, Chris mentioned that they would need to call the maid out to clean it up.

To which I grinned and said “Did someone say… MAID?” At this point, Airi began to follow them around, cleaning up the dungeons as she went. I used the Kalashtar Bodyguard figure to represent her (I have a better one, now, but it’s unpainted…), and all she did was clean. Chris constantly apologised for the mess. Jason kept well away from her. And many jokes were made about the room with the three-foot deep pool of blood, and how she’d need a Shop-Vac to deal with that mess.

Airi would be my character in Burns’ short-lived attempt at running a 4e game. I can’t blame him for how it turned out, games are deceptively hard to run, and he learned some valuable lessons from this time. I think he’d do better if he tried again.

At any rate, as the game didn’t last long, I have but one memorable encounter to regale. It was when Austin, Greg and myself were all present. In the adventure Burns was running, there was a trap that could suck you into this weird, otherworldly space. When the goblin we were fighting got pulled in to it, Greg and Austin wanted to follow him in. Burns ruled that they could, and allowed them to fight in the trap. But I wasn’t going to jump into a trap, oh no. So when Burns indicated my turn was up, I said “On my turn, I will my glaive into a broom, and begin to sweep.”

The looks on all three of their faces were priceless.

And with Chris’ game starting soon, I am running Airi as a Warlock with the Infernal Pact. That should be fun.

Actually, I had another idea for a Warlock maid. This one I can’t take credit for, someone I spoke to briefly came up with the concept, and I co-opted it with his permission: A maid who was in a sect of Far Realms cultists, she aided in rituals and learned Things Man Was Not Meant To Know. Then, one day, she returned from an errand to find her mansion had vanished, leaving nothing behind but a “perfectly septagonal hole in the ground.” Now, she’s a secret cultist without a cause… Or the good sense to change into something that isn’t a maid uniform…

At one point, I wanted to run this girl as a character, but since I’d already done two Fighters, I couldn’t see the point. Maybe there’s a better class for her now…

Also, my long discussions with Colin involving the game Nightbane have lead me to want to play it (Well, his Hero adaptation of it, anyway), if only so I could run an EGL poser whose Morphus is an inhumanly beautiful maid with skin that looks like porcelain (actually, it IS porcelain), and who bleeds ammonia. My code name for her is “Nightmaid.” Yes, there’s probably something wrong with me.

And that is the story of my obsession with maids, and how they all too often make this hobby stranger than it normally is.

… should I mention there’s a Maid RPG? No, probably not…

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